A waiting game.

We are still waiting on the results from Miss Sunshine's lab work last week. The doctor's office called on Friday, and I of course missed it. And my lovely voicemail cut off all but one part of the message "Her lab work is in..." Joy. I left a message for the nurse that I didn't get all the message but did not get a call back on Friday. I will try again tomorrow.

I am sure everything is fine. But it sure is hard, waiting to hear.

In the meantime, we are keeping busy as usual. Monster Boy and I had some quality time together yesterday, shopping at the toy store. He got a gift card for his birthday, and the time just seemed right to let him spend it. We spent well over an hour there, looking at everything, me giving him options he could "afford" with his gift card, especially when he was drawn to all the crazily priced items designed to get a kids attention. He wound up with a board game and some more Lego sets - he's building the Lego "Atlantis" set right now, so we got that. I have been informed he would like to start the Star Wars set next. Great. That's going to cost more than our house, I think.

Last night was his school Fun Night. And we certainly did have fun. And did not come home with a fish (thank goodness), much to Monster Boy and Miss Sunshine's disappointment. We did come home with many toys and candies which we really don't need, but hey, that is the point of it all, right? As long as the kids had fun I suppose nothing else really matters.

Today we went to church, and now Miss Sunshine is napping while both of my boys are playing Battleship (Monster Boy's new game). And I am taking a few minutes to catch up on email, blogging, and general uselessness before heading off to a work meeting. We were supposed to have roast for dinner tonight, but someone (yeah, that would be ME) forgot to take it out of the freezer, so I haven't figured out yet what we are having. I should probably get on that...

I've got an itty, bitty...

Two year old!

Miss Sunshine FINALLY had her well child visit today. We got a bit off schedule back around her 18 month visits due to scheduling issues at the doctors office - so we had to postpone this one. Which, actually, it turned out we DIDN'T as she didn't need any shots, but oh well.

She weighed in at a whopping 22.8 pounds, and measured in at 32.5 inches. She has grown over 2 inches since her 18 month check up. This moved her from the 12th to the 18th percentile in height. She also jumped from the 4th to the 7th percentile in weight. She is still teeny tiny, but she is growing.

We discussed her speech - she's ahead of the curve now, which is great. She's doing everything else she's supposed to be and then some. I mentioned my concerns about her not properly absorbing fat (which we most notably see with the whole milk) and we discussed the leg pains she has been talking about. Her doctor really doesn't feel that we are looking at Celiac's, which had been my concern, but he is running blood tests just to eliminate other possibilities. I'm still waiting on the results from those, and trying not to work myself up into a frenzy about it. I forgot to ask how long it might take for the results to come back in, so I will call in the morning to find out if it's something I can expect to hear before the weekend, or something that will take a week or so. I don't know much about blood testing since we've never really dealt with that before.

In the meantime, we are battling yet another cold - she barely makes it through one before we are on to the next - but otherwise doing well. Both the kids are in bed now, and I think I am going to call it an early night myself.

It must be the weather...

Last week we had a blizzard. This week we had record highs.

This morning, it is gray and gloomy outside my windows. It's cool, but not cold. It smells like rain. Normally I love days like these. Today, I just want to go back to bed.

I have been exhausted this entire week. I finally spoke to my manager and told her I can no longer work closing shifts. Even though they are a relatively early shift, they do cause me to miss dinner and bedtime with my kids. And this, in turn, has been causing issues with Monster Boy. It is unacceptable to him that I am not here to tuck him in at night, and he has been manifesting this in all sorts of lovely ways. After much discussion, Daddy Mac and I decided that a minimum wage job was not worth his upset, and I went to my manager hoping to find a resolution that would allow me to continue working. She is working on it for me now, and I am ever so greatful to have a manager who understands the importance I feel at being able to BE there when my kids need me.

We have spent the past week and a half without hot water. After many (failed) attempts to repair the issue ourselves, we finally caved and called in a plumber. Who fixed us right up in about 15 minutes. SIGH. At least we have hot water again! Hooray!

I've been up for over an hour already this morning, and I miss those lazy Saturdays where I got to sleep in. Just a few more years and I'll be able to do that again. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. For now, I think I shall go make breakfast for Monster Boy and I (Miss Sunshine is already gnoshing on pancakes as I type) and then try to rouse up the energy to head to the gym. These morning workouts are becoming more and more important to my sanity. Too bad Monday and Tuesday I'll have to go without since I'm manning Mom's Day Out at work and it doesn't allow time for them. Ah well. Perhaps after I pick Monster Boy up from school I'll head back in for a post-work workout instead.

Fear

Many times, in my journey into parenthood, I have faced fear for my children.

When Monster Boy was born prematurely, I feared if his lungs would be developed enough, if we'd face issues related to prematurity, and so on. We were some of the lucky ones, the ones who need not have feared, because Monster Boy pretty much took all the odds and blew them straight out of the water. He never spent a second in NICU or even the Special Care Nursery. He trended ahead on all the developmental charts (well, except for height. The boy is going to be short, I am afraid. There is just no getting around that one). He's been exceptionally healthy, exceptionally bright, he's pretty much just exceptional.

When we found out about Miss Sunshine's cleft, we faced the fear of the unknown. NOBODY we knew had been through this. We had no one to talk to, to give us their experience, to share our fears of surgery and delays and what this would mean for her. We muddled through on our own. As soon as one fear would be conquered, another would show up. She slowly would beat those fears back for us. And now, I face a new fear. These "growing pains" seem to be something more to me. She wakes up frequently in the night, literally screaming in pain. 10, 11, 12 times a day, she'll stop what she is doing, start crying and rubbing her knees, proclaiming "My legs hurt".

I know better than to consult Google on these things. Dr. Google, as I've heard it referenced, does very little helpful informing, but rather falls more along the lines of fear mongering. Google "leg pain in toddlers" and you get articles ranging from the usual growing pains, to Celiac's Disease, to Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, to Leukemia. I can find no articles that really seem to fit Miss Sunshine's symptoms. I try to reassure myself, it's only growing pains, it's normal, it seems bad but it's really not. Tonight, she has already gotten up twice in the two hours since we put her to bed - the last time it took nearly 20 minutes before we were able to calm her enough to even understand what it was that she was saying, much less do something to help with the pain. I've administered Tylenol and am praying that it will successfully help her sleep the rest of the night. And then I retreat to my room, to worry and read articles online that do absolutely nothing to help. We go to the doctor for her two year appointment at the end of next week. And I am debating with myself - do I wait for that appointment or do I call and try to get her in earlier?

In the meantime, I try to pretend everything is just fine, and that I'm not afraid of what might be. Just like we parents always do.

Thinking...

I learned yesterday that a former co-worker of mine lost his five year old daughter in a car accident, and his wife is in critical condition.

My heart aches for their family. I cannot even begin to comprehend what they must be going through.

I held my kids a little closer, a little longer, last night. Something like this, hitting so close to home, really makes you think about what a tenuous hold we have on this life. We should savor each second we get to have with someone, because we just never know when it may be the last.

Life is such a precious gift. It is so hard to understand when it is cut tragically short like this. People question God and why he could let such senselessness happen. I know that there is a reason for everything, but sometimes it feels like those reasons can't possibly be good enough for something of this nature.

I don't know what I would do if I were to lose one of my children. I don't know. I don't want to think about it, how it could happen, how it is always a possibility because one can never know the future. Sometimes, when things like these happen, it's hard not to dwell on those thoughts, however. I have found myself in tears numerous times over the past two days as I think about this precious life cut short, and how easily it could happen to anyone, including my own children.

Whether my prayers are welcome, or not, I do not know. But I do know that I am praying. Praying that they have the strength to make it through this tragedy. Praying that they may learn to live with their loss. Praying that one day they may find peace with it all. I know those days will not come any time soon, for how could they? When the wound is so raw and ugly. But in time, it will begin to heal. The scar will always be there, on their hearts. But I hope, for them, it serves as a reminder of what they had, and not what they lost.

Hello again...

I have been neglectful of late.

Neglectful of this blog.

Neglectful of my laundry (as evidenced by the mountain hanging out in my laundry room. All I've washed recently are the kids clothes. And towels.)

Neglectful of time with my husband. Somehow, there are never enough hours in my day. By the time he and I are home from work, kids are fed and in bed, it's pretty much all WE can do to roll into bed ourselves.

Neglectful of myself. This is a big one. I'm not taking care of myself as I should - physically or mentally. I am stressed. If it isn't about one thing, it's another. I'm sure you all know how life goes. But I manifest my stress in BAD ways. Especially bad for me. I'm a stress eater - I'm upset - I eat. Doesn't help matters that stress naturally affects your metabolism as well. I'm working on it as best I can. But then other sides of life fall by the wayside. Some days I feel like I have lost sight of who I am, who I was, who I want to be.

As our house lays buried in a (deep) blanket of snow (that is still falling...) I find myself spending some time in introspection. About life. And things I want to change, or do, or say, or whatever.

95% of these things will never come to fruition. I am admittedly a master at planning things that I never follow through on. But I'm trying to hold myself more accountable. After our marathon of cleaning two weeks ago, I have managed to keep my house respectably neat. (Well, the kitchen needs some work after this past weekend - but I can't get to my trash can right now. Which is where the majority of the kitchen needs to go...) I'm pretty proud of myself for that, and, as my family can certainly vouch, this is a big step. But there are so MANY more steps I need to take...

Now to find the courage to take the first one...

Snow Daze...

It's a blizzard here in the Midwest. We got off easier than a lot of other places around us, from what I am seeing and hearing. But we still got pummeled pretty heartily.

Monster Boy has had snow days at school for the past few days. This has caused major unrest in our house. One, Monster Boy does not do well with deviations from his schedule. This has resulted in temper tantrums, fit throwing, hair cutting (yep, he took it upon himself while I was in the shower to give himself a *ahem* trim) and various other manifestations of his complete inability to, well, deal. Miss Sunshine has been running around crazy with excitement over the fact that Monster Boy is at home, refusing to nap, getting in to all kinds of things, squealing, yelling, and generally just being a crazy very-nearly-less-than-24-hours-away-from-being-a two year old. Needless to say, we are all very ready for school to start up again. PLEASE.

I have to go, I'm being paged by said very-nearly-less-than-24-hours-away-from-being-a two year old, with requests of cups and "watch Elmo pees"es.