Sunday, November 30, 2014

An Elephant in the room

There are things nobody talks about.  I don't know if it's the stigma associated, if people feel it's some kind of bad karma, or if it's simply one of those subjects that is considered taboo.

Today, I decided I'm going to talk about it.  Because I'm living it right now, and it hurts and I feel like this isn't something I should feel the need to hide.

Daddy Mac and I decided a few months ago that we would like a third child.  We made the decision that we were just going to take prevention out of the equation and see what happened - not trying to get pregnant, but not trying NOT to get pregnant either.  So we were happy and bit scared when we discovered that the first month we did this resulted in a pregnancy. 

The first few weeks went as normal - I felt sick to my stomach all the time, and all those other fun pregnancy symptoms.  And then, the not so normal stuff started happening.  I started spotting.  It was light, and my lab levels that the doctor ran came back all normal.  So, we were told it was likely normal and to keep going about things as usual.  And then I spotted again.  I spent a weekend on bedrest, putting me behind on my Capstone experience for graduation, and went back in for more lab work.  And we found out that it was not normal. 

I miscarried this past week.  It was the most physically and emotionally painful experience I've ever had.  I don't know why, but since I was only 7 weeks pregnant I just didn't expect that much physical pain.   I wound up missing another Capstone day because I was literally in so much pain that I was shaking and couldn't stand up.  Daddy Mac had to stand pretty much helplessly by as we watched our hopes and dreams shatter. 

I don't know what the future holds for our family, and I can't pretend to understand why we would lose this baby.  I know that in some way, there is a reason for everything.  At least, that is what I keep telling myself.  To be honest, that doesn't really help.  I still ache, I still cry, I still wonder.  I know eventually the pain will lessen, but that it will never go away.  That I will always wonder what if.  That if we decide to try again, I will spend the beginning of my pregnancy, if not my entire pregnancy, in endless worry.  That there is a risk this could happen again, and that I may not be able to ever have another baby.   I think that probably scares me the most. 

For now, I'm focusing on one day at a time.  I graduate in two weeks.  I have to complete my Capstone experience in those two weeks, and it's going to take pretty much every day I have left because of the days I missed while fruitlessly hoping that I would get to keep this baby, and again while I was dealing with the physical pain of losing this baby.  Then I graduate.  Then comes the holidays, then taking my licensing exam and hopefully passing the first time so I can start at the job whose offer I accepted (more on that later, once I can officially say I have the job!).  It's going to be a busy few weeks, especially when you throw in kids birthdays and family holiday time and work and all that fun stuff.  And maybe sometime soon we will feel ready to try again.  Or maybe we won't.  One day at a time.