Saturday, September 13, 2014

Let it fall...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It's been crazy for years now.

Like so many others, I am a stress eater.  And I think it's safe to say that I have been through a lot of stress the past few years.  As a result, I had a number pop up on my scale a few weeks ago that I never thought I would see.  It was a bit of a wake up call for me.  How can I be a good mom, a good wife and a good nurse if I don't feel good about myself?  I can't.  After years of blaming every situation in my life, of making excuses, of making plans and failing to follow through, I decided to take a leap.  I have watched several friends start a new diet program with astounding results.  After months of sitting on the fence, I bit the bullet and started it up myself this week.

Yesterday was the first day of my first eight day challenge.  It's a very restrictive diet for the first eight days, and I won't pretend it's been easy these first two.  I really wanted to join in on the sub sandwich fest the rest of my family enjoyed this afternoon, and Daddy Mac is planning a slow cooked homemade chili for dinner tomorrow that I won't get to partake in.  But if I can get the results my friends have gotten, this sacrifice will be worth it.  I'm ready to get back to me - the healthy, happy me.  I promise to post periodic updates as a way to keep myself on track, but hopefully also as proof that this really does work.  And, if you are interested in knowing more about what I am doing to lose weight and get into shape - leave me a comment with your email address.  This is a no pressure kind of deal for me, so I'm not running around telling everyone "You should do this!".  But if it works for me, I'm happy to share it with everyone else, too!

Friday, July 18, 2014


So, a few months ago I got an app by Hooked on Phonics for Miss Sunshine.  I can't say enough fantastic things about this app.  Miss Sunshine loves getting to "play" on the tablet, and I love that she's learning while playing.

She has begun reading short books within the app on her own, and is learning the principles of sounding out and joining sounds to read words.  One thing I have noticed, though, is that she struggles with letter sounds that are similar on some of the activities where she has to listen for a sound or word.  It concerns me, because I don't know if it is her not giving her full attention, or if it is a result of her hearing loss.  Or even if it is a sign that the hearing loss has progressed more.  I tend to torture myself with worrying about it, which is not good for anyone.

I wish I knew what the answers were, but this is just another uncertain part of our journey, I suppose. It is hard, as a parent, to not have all the answers.  It is hard for me, the control freak, especially.  Just one more thing I can't automatically fix for her.  I hate the fear and uncertainty that surrounds every visit to the ENT, every time she complains of an ear ache, every time she answers "What." When I say something to her.  That insidious little voice in the back of my head whispering that maybe this time it will be too far gone, that this time will be the time we have to order that hearing aid.

I have to make sure to tell her new teacher that she needs to position Miss Sunshine so that her left side faces the teacher, so she can hear her more clearly.  To let her know that if Miss Sunshine is not looking at her and focused on the conversation, she may not respond.  Not beaches she is ignoring, but because she honestly cannot hear her.  I hate it, but it's a conversation that must be had.

The hearing aspect is something most people never think about when it comes to cleft.  So often I have heard "You know, our child had lots of ear infections and we opted not to do tubes.  They hear just fine."  It's different for a child with cleft.  It's not about infections.  It's about persistent fluid in the ears because the palate doesn't function properly.  It's about scarring, and loss of movement, and the possibility of permanent hearing loss.  Yes, there can be infections.  And these things are all risks of infections as well, but for Miss Sunshine it's different.  It's not about infections for her.  It's just another round of surgeries she has to face in the list of surgeries she has.  One more thing about her cleft that We have to compensate for, deal with the best we can.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Princess fever

Miss Sunshine is obsessed with princesses.  If she's not in her school uniform, she's in a princess dress.  In fact, she was reduced to tears earlier today when Daddy Mac informed her she needed to take her princess dress off so he could wash it.

I have to be honest - the whole princess thing drives me CRAZY.  I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that the way someone looks is more important that what is on the inside.  I don't want her thinking she needs a man to solve her problems.  I want her to love herself for who she is, to be strong and independent and ready to face the world.  I worry that this obsession with princesses and all things pretty is setting up a level of abnormal expectation in her eyes.  At the same time, it makes her so incredibly happy, and she is so incredibly confident in herself, that I just can't bring myself to take that away.  Because isn't that what we all want, in reality?  A happy child who loves themselves?
And the truth is - she is beautiful. 

Surgery number 6 (or is it 7? I've lost track...)

Wow, it's been a terribly long time since I've been on here, hasn't it?  I suppose that comes with the territory of working, going to nursing school and raising two kids.

So, updates.  It's summer break here.  The kids are crazy, and I think we are all about ready for school to start back up.  We went to Disney World in May, and it was AMAZING!  Seriously, it was the best experience we could have hoped for.  The kids are already talking about when we can go back.

Miss Sunshine had another surgery after we came back.  This time, she had the impacted tube removed, and the ENT did a patch on her eardrum.  Because her last several tests have showed no fluid in her left ear (where the eardrum is intact), the ENT felt it was time to repair the right ear.  Surgery went well although recovery was a bit nerve wracking.  She did not want to wake up, and then didn't want to drink anything post op.  And they wouldn't let us leave until she had something to eat or drink and kept it down.  She finally sucked on enough of a Popsicle for us to go home.  Then it was on to the daunting task of keeping a five year old from doing any gymnastics type activity, and getting no water in the ear of a child who has hair down to their butt.  Not stressful at all.  We had our initial post operative follow up three weeks after surgery - so far so good!  Her eardrum even had some movement, which the ENT said was unexpected.  Her hearing is still down, but that is normal with this surgery.  We go back at the beginning of August for a hearing test to see where she is at.  This surgery was necessary, so we had little choice in regards to doing it, but it does carry the risk of hearing loss.  And since it was on the ear that already has hearing loss, that was a bit scary.  In addition, prior to the surgery, she was borderline for needing a hearing aid in that ear, so if she does have hearing loss as a result we will be dealing with that as well.  Obviously, Mommy is a bit of a mess with this next appointment looming over us.  Happy thoughts would be great about now.

Monster Boy has struggled a lot this year.  We began having major issues with his behavior at school back in October.  It got very bad very fast, and we were at our wits end.  He was finally diagnosed ADHD in December, and after much reluctance, we started medication in January.  I believe medication has a purpose, and I am not against using medications when necessary.  That said, I do try to avoid using medication unless it is 100% needed.  I don't medicate for low fevers, coughs, etc.  so putting him on a daily controlled substance he will likely need at least through school, if not life long, was intimidating to me.  It was a difficult decision, but it was absolutely the right thing to do for our child.  After starting the meds, it was like I had my son back.  I am not naive.  I realize my children can be difficult, handfuls. And downright crazy at times.  But his behavior was so far beyond that, that he really wasn't the kid I knew anymore.  Since starting the meds, he brought his grade in behavior from an F to an A!  I couldn't be more proud of the strides he has made, and I look forward to the new school year rather than dreading it.

Things have been difficult for us as a family the first half of this year, and the road ahead is sure to have more twists and turns as we go along.  But I'm beginning to see a nice, straight, clear stretch of highway in the distance, and I know we can make it to the easy point of our journey if we just keep on moving forward.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Five years

Miss Sunshine turns five years old next week.  I can't believe she is FIVE already.  This also means that we just passed the four year mark on her palate repair surgery.  Four years since the longest, scariest day of my life.

I know that we are incredibly blessed in so many ways.  For one, we had the amazing fortune to be referred to Shriner's Hospitals for this surgery.  Two, we live in a country where healthcare is (in general) available, so she had the opportunity for the surgery even if Shriner's hadn't taken her on as a patient.  Three, she is an amazingly resilient child who came through surgery with flying colors.  Four, her first surgical repair was a success and she has not needed subsequent surgeries.  Five, she is a healthy child, so we did not face other issues post-repair.  The list goes on and on and on. 

I say all this, not to brag, but to point out all the potentials for problems that could have happened along the way.  I have friends in the cleft community whose children are on palate repair five or six.  There are multiple reasons repairs can fail, and sometimes (much like the occurrence of cleft itself) it just happens, and they don't know why.  There can be other health issues, such as autism, sensory disorders, learning disorders, and so on. 

This is not to say we have not faced our share of problems.  Had Shriner's not accepted Miss Sunshine, for example, our insurance did not cover a cleft team.  We would have had to contact each needed specialist individually, and had multiple out of pocket costs for such visits.  Our bill would have been in the tens of thousands by the time all was said and done, between copays, deductibles and out of pocket maxes.  Miss Sunshine STILL struggles with her ears (in fact, we are headed back to the ENT soon), and does have hearing loss in one ear, which has progressed with each visit to the ENT.  While we are still hopeful that it may be related to that impact tube and not permanent, there is always the likely possibility that it is permanent, and that it may continue to progress.  Miss Sunshine spent three years in speech therapy.  There is still the possibility that she may require more therapy, as she does still have some negative speech habits and difficulties with pronouncing certain letters and sounds (for example, she loses a lot of air when saying the SH sound - a common problem in cleft children.  It does not make her speech unrecognizable at this point, and since she really doesn't have vasopharangeal insufficiency in other speech patterns, not something that would need to be surgically corrected at this time).  She does have some texture issues, which I believe to be residual from having baby food go up her nose.  She will not eat anything that resembles baby food except apple sauce and yogurt.  Mashed potatoes, or anything soft or pureed, will not pass the child's lips without a major fight.  She is a terribly picky eater, and we have a hard time getting her to try new foods. She is still underweight for her age (though no longer failure to thrive!), and will likely always be that way - a residual of her struggle to gain weight in the first year of life due to her cleft.

But as I look back over the last five years, over the struggles and the successes, all I can do is be thankful.  Thankful for the experiences we have had that have made us stronger as a family.  Thankful for the opportunity to get the word out about cleft, about how it affects us in the real world.  Thankful that people want to hear and listen.  Thankful for the amazing support we have found within the cleft community. Thankful for our beautiful, amazing, perfect daughter.  

Friday, November 22, 2013

An open letter to The League

To whom it may concern,

I am sure that you have been bombarded with outraged emails, comments, and contacts in the last day.  I suppose you can add this one to your list.

I am the parent of a cleft-affected child.  I do not watch your show.  My husband, however, does.  I understand that the basis for your show is crass humor, with crude comments highlighting poor behavior.  Regardless of the basis for your show, there is a line between crass and flat out wrong.  I have heard about your comment regarding cleft children.  I understand you called them ugly.  Let me assure you, ugliness lies not with outward appearance.  I can see ugly, and it is not my child. 

Were you aware that cleft occurs in roughly 1 in every 700 births?  That it is one of the most common birth defects in the US?  I did the math for you - congratulations, you managed to insult roughly 453,012 people with your comment yesterday.  That number includes only the number of people living in the US with cleft.  It does not include their family members, friends, and others who may have found your comment offensive. 

I think sometimes we forget that there are real people out there living with disfiguring conditions every day.  I'd like to educate you a little bit about cleft.  Children with cleft face multiple surgeries in their lifetime, beginning when they are only a few months old and continuing through adulthood.  Each of these surgeries are extremely painful and require weeks to months of recovery time.  While cleft can sometimes be linked genetically, whether through a syndrome (and there are numerous syndromes that can cause cleft) or through family history, quite often there is no known cause for cleft.  This is the case with our daughter.  There is no reason.  It just is.  She can't help it, I can't help it, her dad couldn't help it.  This is not some thing that she made a decision to have.  YOU, however, made a decision to ridicule her for it.  I fail to see where the humor lies when an adult (in a script or otherwise) makes derogatory comments about an innocent child or children.  I have spent the past nine years teaching my children that words hurt, and that making fun of others, especially their appearance, is never okay.  Your show just told all of it's viewers that it is okay to make fun of other's appearances.  I hope that makes you proud.

Here is a list of famous people who are cleft affected for you:  Cheech Marin, Tom Brokaw, Jesse Jackson, Mark Hamill, Carmit Bachar (of the Pussycat Dolls), Stacy Keach, Annie Lennox, and the one you might recognize the most, Peyton Manning.  Are these people ugly?

Shame on the writers who wrote the line, the actor who said the line, the director who filmed the line, the producers who backed the line, and FX for airing the line. 

You may never read this letter - and that is your decision.  However, rest assured that the thousands of people I have contact with through social media, public blogging, and news stations I am sending this letter to, will.  I hope you never have to face the possibility of a loved one with a defect.  But if you do, I hope you remember this moment.  Maybe then you may feel some remorse. 

an offended parent.
My beautiful, cleft-affected daughter. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Catch up

I started off the summer with the best of intentions about keeping up on here, but as you can tell, I failed miserably at that! 

I've started a new job (in my new career field) and between that and school, I meeting myself coming and going.  I just keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. 

So, catch up. 

Monster Boy is nearly nine now.  Time truly flies.  He is amazingly smart, and astounds us on a regular basis with what he can do.  We found out at parent teacher conferences that he is testing at a fifth grade level in math - without any lessons on the material he tested on.  The kid figured out basic algebra ON HIS OWN!  He is definitely too smart for his own good.  Unfortunately, my insane schedule is starting to take it's toll as well, and he is struggling behavior wise in school right now.  I think there is also some teasing and such going on at school (he is the shortest kid in his class, for one thing).  I wish I knew a good way to address it.  He complains about it a lot, and we've spoken with the teacher regarding it, but she either doesn't see it happening or isn't taking it the same way he is when it does, because she doesn't seem to think it's a problem.  His acting out in the classroom is rapidly becoming a major issue, however.  We are racking our brains trying to come up with ideas to deal with that. 

Miss Sunshine is doing well.  She love, love, loves preschool.  She is so excited to go every day.  Her teacher says she is doing great, and learning just as quickly as Monster Boy seemed to do.  We took her to the ENT last month, and it was a mix of good and bad news there.  I dread these visits - her ears and hearing are my biggest worry right now.  There is always that looming specter of more surgery hiding in the background, but it's only a possibility, not a given.  But her ears - this is an ongoing concern.  And hearing loss is often not correctable.  So, the good news first.  That ear tube that was already out and in the ear canal finally came out of her ear.  And that eardrum healed on it's own (this is always a concern when you have ear tubes for an extended period of time) and there is NO fluid in that ear!  Hooray!  This means her palate is functioning, and keeping the fluid out of her Eustachian tubes.  And that the tube doesn't need to be replaced.  Now, for the bad news.  The tube in the other ear is impacted in her ear drum.  It is completely encased in wax, which is pressing against her ear drum and likely causing the itching she frequently complains about.  The ENT really wants the tube out, but he's giving it six more months in the hopes that it will come out on it's own.  If it comes out on it's own, there is a much better chance that her eardrum will heal on it's own as well.  The ENT thinks it is likely she is going to need reconstructive surgery on that ear, though.  Some type of patch, probably, for her ear drum.  This is not optimal because it can cause further hearing loss.  But even worse than that - the mild hearing loss she was already diagnosed with in that ear has progressed.  It could be due to the wax around her tube causing pressure, it could be due to more scar tissue inside the ear, it could be a lot of things.  On the one hand, if she has to have surgery to get this tube out, they can go in and potentially clear out some of that scar tissue, perhaps restoring some of her hearing, but at the same time risking not being able to save it.  On the other hand, if the tube comes out on it's own and the eardrum heals, this hearing loss will likely be permanent.  This was not news I was wanting to hear.  But, it is what it is, and she can still hear, so we just deal with needing to use a louder voice when talking to her.  I have also noticed that she is developing some negative speech habits, which I have to wonder if it's related to the hearing loss.  We will likely have her reevaluated during her Kindergarten screening to see if she needs to resume speech therapy.

So, that was a long update.  I've been kind of avoiding it, but now it's done.