We leave today for our appointment at Shriner's hospital in Chicago. I am finding myself extremely nervous about this. I HATE traveling with her. Not that I don't like taking her - but it's just so stressful traveling with an infant to begin with, and then you add in that whole special equipment (I know, it's just bottles, but still...) thing and it's just so much worse. My husband just doesn't understand. I told him it's not like traveling with us or Monster Boy, where if we forget something we can just run to the store and buy what we need. If I forget or lose her bottles, we can't just go out and buy a new one. Add to that the whole pumping thing, so I have be sure I have all my stuff for that too. There are just so many things to take care of. I hope that she does well on the plane too - it's not like I can give her a pacifier if she gets fussy. I know when I flew with Monster Boy when he was nine months old, that was the easiest plane trip I took. He fell asleep before we even took off and slept the entire flight. I can only hope we get so lucky with her too.
And I am also nervous about her getting approved for the surgery. It's going to be a full day of doctors tomorrow and I know I am probably going to be extremely overwhelmed by all of it. Thank God my husband is going with me so that he can take in what information I can't. And I don't know how long it will take for us to get a decision from them about whether or not they will do her surgery or what other assistance they might provide for us if they don't do it. So much to think about. I just hope that everything goes well.
Sometimes an introspection. Sometimes a vent. Maybe entertaining. Maybe thought provoking. Always my life.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ugh
This has been the week from HELL!
First, our van broke down. It's leaking oil pretty much at the same rate as you can pour it in. Luckily, my dad was able to identify the problem, and the part is really cheap. The ability to replace it is something neither my husband nor I currently possess, however, and it will cost us several hundred dollars, which we don't have, to pay a professional to do it. My best friend's husband knows how to do it, but can't help us until NEXT weekend. So we are down to one vehicle, which is a major pain with Monster Boy having started school this week.
Monster Boy is really enjoying school, and he had a very good week there. I can't say the same thing for home. Most of the week was at least decent - we had some listening issues but nothing major unlike last week. Then came Thursday. And Thursday was a banner day in our household. I spent over two hours before school started trying to get my son to clean his room. Most of that time was spent by him throwing fits. And apparently, somewhere in one of those fits, he decided that it would be a good idea to cut his own hair. This was NOT a good idea. But, I was so flustered with dealing with his fits and all that we were running late for school and I didn't realize it until we got HOME from school. Which means that he went to school looking like he had mange. Then when we got home, it was more of the same. His room was still NOT clean and I was still fighting him on it. When Daddy Mac got home, he wasn't having it. He gave him ten minutes to get started (which Monster Boy spent the whole time throwing the mother of all fits) and then he took a trash bag in and "cleaned" his room himself. Well that spurred an entirely different fit, of course. We finally got him calmed down from that after about 20 minutes and he was VERY cooperative the rest of the night. Daddy Mac buzz cut his hair, and I cried. He had beautiful hair, and now he is basically bald. It didn't seem to upset Monster at all, which makes me worry that we have not seen the last of the haircutting. But I guess we will deal with that as it comes.
Miss Sunshine has been just crazy all week. BUT, she said "Mama" for the first time yesterday! She is very vocal and has been for months. But it's been only vowel sounds, no consonant sounds, which I know is normal with a cleft. It was still hard hearing from all my other friends with babies the same age about how they are "talking" and my daughter isn't. But she is slowly getting there. And she should be crawling ANY DAY. She is SO close, if she would just keep her head up, she'd be gone. I want her to learn how to do it, but at the same time, I want her to stay immobile :). Not much I can do about that, I suppose.
We leave for Chicago on Tuesday. I am very nervous for this all to go well. I want everything to turn out perfectly, and for her to get approved for surgery. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the fact that our appointment is in September, and September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month, is a good sign that she is going to get approved. It would certainly make things much easier for us financially, which would be a good thing right now. We are so far managing to stay ahead. I'm eager to see what Daddy Mac's first commission check is going to look like next week, so we can see if we can just roll over my 401k or if we are going to have to pull what little is in there to get things paid off so that we are not struggling for money once my severance ends. We will still be getting unemployment unless I find a job, which is not looking likely, but it's about half of what I have gotten in severance so that's definitely going to make things a bit difficult. I am trying to have faith that it is all going to work out in the end, though.
First, our van broke down. It's leaking oil pretty much at the same rate as you can pour it in. Luckily, my dad was able to identify the problem, and the part is really cheap. The ability to replace it is something neither my husband nor I currently possess, however, and it will cost us several hundred dollars, which we don't have, to pay a professional to do it. My best friend's husband knows how to do it, but can't help us until NEXT weekend. So we are down to one vehicle, which is a major pain with Monster Boy having started school this week.
Monster Boy is really enjoying school, and he had a very good week there. I can't say the same thing for home. Most of the week was at least decent - we had some listening issues but nothing major unlike last week. Then came Thursday. And Thursday was a banner day in our household. I spent over two hours before school started trying to get my son to clean his room. Most of that time was spent by him throwing fits. And apparently, somewhere in one of those fits, he decided that it would be a good idea to cut his own hair. This was NOT a good idea. But, I was so flustered with dealing with his fits and all that we were running late for school and I didn't realize it until we got HOME from school. Which means that he went to school looking like he had mange. Then when we got home, it was more of the same. His room was still NOT clean and I was still fighting him on it. When Daddy Mac got home, he wasn't having it. He gave him ten minutes to get started (which Monster Boy spent the whole time throwing the mother of all fits) and then he took a trash bag in and "cleaned" his room himself. Well that spurred an entirely different fit, of course. We finally got him calmed down from that after about 20 minutes and he was VERY cooperative the rest of the night. Daddy Mac buzz cut his hair, and I cried. He had beautiful hair, and now he is basically bald. It didn't seem to upset Monster at all, which makes me worry that we have not seen the last of the haircutting. But I guess we will deal with that as it comes.
Miss Sunshine has been just crazy all week. BUT, she said "Mama" for the first time yesterday! She is very vocal and has been for months. But it's been only vowel sounds, no consonant sounds, which I know is normal with a cleft. It was still hard hearing from all my other friends with babies the same age about how they are "talking" and my daughter isn't. But she is slowly getting there. And she should be crawling ANY DAY. She is SO close, if she would just keep her head up, she'd be gone. I want her to learn how to do it, but at the same time, I want her to stay immobile :). Not much I can do about that, I suppose.
We leave for Chicago on Tuesday. I am very nervous for this all to go well. I want everything to turn out perfectly, and for her to get approved for surgery. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the fact that our appointment is in September, and September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month, is a good sign that she is going to get approved. It would certainly make things much easier for us financially, which would be a good thing right now. We are so far managing to stay ahead. I'm eager to see what Daddy Mac's first commission check is going to look like next week, so we can see if we can just roll over my 401k or if we are going to have to pull what little is in there to get things paid off so that we are not struggling for money once my severance ends. We will still be getting unemployment unless I find a job, which is not looking likely, but it's about half of what I have gotten in severance so that's definitely going to make things a bit difficult. I am trying to have faith that it is all going to work out in the end, though.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A LONG weekend.
We went out of town this weekends. It was a birthday party for a friend of mine and her daughter, and I hadn't seen this group of friends since before Miss Sunshine was born. So we loaded up the kids and drove three hours to visit. It was nice to see all my friends again. What was NOT so nice was that Miss Sunshine decided that, unlike our last out of town trip, this time she was NOT going to sleep in the Pack and Play - and kept us up until 3 am. Needless to say, I am one VERY tired Mommy today.
We are definitely noticing a difference in her hearing, though. Which is SO wonderful. And I realized that I didn't post an update about her hearing tests! She passed in BOTH ears! Yay. The ENT was a bit concerned about her right ear - he said there was a lot of inflammation behind the eardrum when he went in for the tubes, and he actually removed some tissue from that ear. He thought she might have some slight hearing loss, but if she does, it isn't enough to affect her hearing tests, so we were super happy there. He wants to see her yearly for follow up exams, and said that if we wind up doing the repair surgery here to call him for an assessment to see if the tubes need to be redone during her repair, but otherwise, unless we notice any problems, she only needs to see him once a year for followup. Yay! That was WONDERFUL news this week - I was very concerned about hearing loss and that made me feel just SO much better.
And the countdown is one. We have a very big few weeks coming up for us. Tomorrow is Monster Boy's first day of preschool and he is very excited for that. We did three year old preschool last year, which he loved. This year it will be more of a school environment but he is so ready for it to start. I can't believe he's so big already. Then Sunday is my 30th birthday! Yay, Mommy time! I'm going to go get my hair done - I'm thinking of changing up the color, just for something different. Now that I am not working, I can go back to my more "funky" haircolors (nothing off the wall - I just worked for a really conservative company previously and so some of the stuff that I would do with my hair wasn't acceptable there so I haven't done anything like that in 7 years!). And then the following Tuesday we leave for Chicago. I hope Miss Sunshine does well on the plane. I'm starting to get pretty nervous about our trip. I'm trying not to think too much about it until next week.
I'm also going to be ordering some ccakids.org bracelets for friends and family to wear in recognition of Craniofacial Acceptance Month. I am pretty excited about this.
But for now, I am going to go to bed and try to get some rest before the rat race starts again!
We are definitely noticing a difference in her hearing, though. Which is SO wonderful. And I realized that I didn't post an update about her hearing tests! She passed in BOTH ears! Yay. The ENT was a bit concerned about her right ear - he said there was a lot of inflammation behind the eardrum when he went in for the tubes, and he actually removed some tissue from that ear. He thought she might have some slight hearing loss, but if she does, it isn't enough to affect her hearing tests, so we were super happy there. He wants to see her yearly for follow up exams, and said that if we wind up doing the repair surgery here to call him for an assessment to see if the tubes need to be redone during her repair, but otherwise, unless we notice any problems, she only needs to see him once a year for followup. Yay! That was WONDERFUL news this week - I was very concerned about hearing loss and that made me feel just SO much better.
And the countdown is one. We have a very big few weeks coming up for us. Tomorrow is Monster Boy's first day of preschool and he is very excited for that. We did three year old preschool last year, which he loved. This year it will be more of a school environment but he is so ready for it to start. I can't believe he's so big already. Then Sunday is my 30th birthday! Yay, Mommy time! I'm going to go get my hair done - I'm thinking of changing up the color, just for something different. Now that I am not working, I can go back to my more "funky" haircolors (nothing off the wall - I just worked for a really conservative company previously and so some of the stuff that I would do with my hair wasn't acceptable there so I haven't done anything like that in 7 years!). And then the following Tuesday we leave for Chicago. I hope Miss Sunshine does well on the plane. I'm starting to get pretty nervous about our trip. I'm trying not to think too much about it until next week.
I'm also going to be ordering some ccakids.org bracelets for friends and family to wear in recognition of Craniofacial Acceptance Month. I am pretty excited about this.
But for now, I am going to go to bed and try to get some rest before the rat race starts again!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Not such a good week...
It was a VERY long week this week. Monster Boy decided to push every button I had and then some this week. Then Miss Sunshine decided to pitch one of her SUPER EXPENSIVE special needs feeder bottles out of her car seat while we were at the grocery store. So now I am down to 3 bottles. Lovely.
I did get formally diagnosed with post partum depression on Tuesday, and have started medication to hopefully resolve that. I can't wait for it to kick in. I'm ready to feel like myself again. These last six months have just been so extremely stressful that I can't seem to get my equilibrium back. I'm hoping the meds will be what I need to get back to that point, so that I can enjoy spending time at home with my kids. Because right now, I'm not enjoying it. And I hate that - this is all I have wanted for so long and I really want to enjoy this time because I know it is limited.
On a happier note - Miss Sunshine has learned how to sit up on her own. She has even learned how to get herself into a sitting position - albeit in a very unique way. She will be laying on her tummy and will push her legs up until she is basically in the "downward dog" yoga position. She then walks her legs forward while leaving her face on the ground, until she can't bring them any farther forward, then puts her butt on the ground and voila! She is sitting. It is so cute. I'm trying to figure out how to load the video of her doing it - because I have never seen a baby sit themselves up like this before. And she went from sitting using her hands on the floor to balance herself, to sitting without any kind of support at all in less than a day. It's amazing how quickly they learn things at this age. Up next is crawling - and I expect that to happen any day now. She's so close, if she can just keep her head up - she tends to just lay her head on the floor and then we wind up doing the sitting up trick instead of crawling :)
I did get formally diagnosed with post partum depression on Tuesday, and have started medication to hopefully resolve that. I can't wait for it to kick in. I'm ready to feel like myself again. These last six months have just been so extremely stressful that I can't seem to get my equilibrium back. I'm hoping the meds will be what I need to get back to that point, so that I can enjoy spending time at home with my kids. Because right now, I'm not enjoying it. And I hate that - this is all I have wanted for so long and I really want to enjoy this time because I know it is limited.
On a happier note - Miss Sunshine has learned how to sit up on her own. She has even learned how to get herself into a sitting position - albeit in a very unique way. She will be laying on her tummy and will push her legs up until she is basically in the "downward dog" yoga position. She then walks her legs forward while leaving her face on the ground, until she can't bring them any farther forward, then puts her butt on the ground and voila! She is sitting. It is so cute. I'm trying to figure out how to load the video of her doing it - because I have never seen a baby sit themselves up like this before. And she went from sitting using her hands on the floor to balance herself, to sitting without any kind of support at all in less than a day. It's amazing how quickly they learn things at this age. Up next is crawling - and I expect that to happen any day now. She's so close, if she can just keep her head up - she tends to just lay her head on the floor and then we wind up doing the sitting up trick instead of crawling :)
Saturday, August 15, 2009
September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month!
Thanks to my support group in my online birth club for notifying me of some very exciting news - September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month! This seems especially fitting as Miss Sunshine has her first visit at Shriner's hospital on September 2nd. I am hoping this is a good portent as far as getting her surgery approved.
One of the members of my support group created a GREAT picture in honor of this month. I have added it to the blog on the upper right hand side. All of you mommies who have babies with any kind of craniofacial deformity, please feel free to snag it for yourselves!
Take a little time in the month of September to make some people around you aware of the difficulties children with craniofacial deformities experience in everyday life.
One of the members of my support group created a GREAT picture in honor of this month. I have added it to the blog on the upper right hand side. All of you mommies who have babies with any kind of craniofacial deformity, please feel free to snag it for yourselves!
Take a little time in the month of September to make some people around you aware of the difficulties children with craniofacial deformities experience in everyday life.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
God Grant Me the Serenity...
I am SO glad I have a doctors appointment for myself next week. I really think I have post-partum depression. Every little thing sets me off and I can barely control my temper. I have to send Monster Boy out of the room at least three times a day because I am just so FRUSTRATED with him. Part of that is him being 4, I know. But a lot of it is me, I think.
I did this after I had him too. He was about 15 months old when it started, and it was mostly rage at his father over all the crap I was dealing with thanks to him. I honestly thought that my depression at that point was due to that. Looking back now, when I am feeling the same way and I have no REASON to this time, I think I actually had delayed onset post-partum depression. But I have an appointment next week if I can just make it that long.
I just want things to be back to normal. Part of it is that my cycle is becoming active again and I already know that I have uncontrollable PMS and that is not helping, I am sure. Hopefully we can get this under control and I can go back to being my usual cheerful self :).
Started the cloth diapering yesterday. Miss Sunshine had her first blowout today. That was quite fun. I was using the flushable inserts instead of the cloth inserts, so it wasn't as bad as it will be, I am sure. But at least it kind of prepared me for what it will take to change the poopy diapers from now on. So far I like the cloth diapers quite a bit. They fit pretty well and seem to work out good for us.
I did this after I had him too. He was about 15 months old when it started, and it was mostly rage at his father over all the crap I was dealing with thanks to him. I honestly thought that my depression at that point was due to that. Looking back now, when I am feeling the same way and I have no REASON to this time, I think I actually had delayed onset post-partum depression. But I have an appointment next week if I can just make it that long.
I just want things to be back to normal. Part of it is that my cycle is becoming active again and I already know that I have uncontrollable PMS and that is not helping, I am sure. Hopefully we can get this under control and I can go back to being my usual cheerful self :).
Started the cloth diapering yesterday. Miss Sunshine had her first blowout today. That was quite fun. I was using the flushable inserts instead of the cloth inserts, so it wasn't as bad as it will be, I am sure. But at least it kind of prepared me for what it will take to change the poopy diapers from now on. So far I like the cloth diapers quite a bit. They fit pretty well and seem to work out good for us.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Torn
I am so torn right now. When we first found out I was getting laid off, we sat down and looked at finances and seemed like we would be good. It would be tight, but with unemployment and no daycare expense, we should be okay. Now, this was assuming that my darling husband had paid the house payment for July already. Well, he springs on me today that, OOPS, he didn't pay the house payment for July, so that's an expense we though was already taken care of that isn't. Argh. And then he asks me today if I am wanting to go back to work, because he knows a company here that might be hiring an office manager. I don't really want to go back to work. I want to take some time and be home with my kids. And I had thought that our plan was for me to stay home until after Miss Sunshine's palate repair and THEN start looking for a job. Turns out my husband has apparently started to freak out about me not working and thinks I need to find another job now. The problem is, I need a job paying a considerable amount more than what I was making to make it worth my while to go back to work with the cost of daycare. I am so torn about what the right thing to do it. I told him to get me the info on the job he was talking about - where and salary etc, and we would go from there, but I'm pretty resentful that he has put me in this position now. We have known for two months I was getting laid off - if he was so worried about it WHY didn't he say something about it before now???????? What am I supposed to do?
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