Still trying not to be angry.

I'm still frustrated over people.  Total strangers whom I would never meet in real life, but who, through words or pictures or illustrations or whatever, have impacted my life.  And not in a good way.

I guess my problem is that I just don't understand.  One can claim ignorance, I suppose, but sometimes that feels like a cop-out.  If you are going to make a public statement of one kind or another, one that you know will most likely be highly controversial (and I'm sorry, but you cannot tell me that you didn't know that making a statement regarding abortion, or drawing a picture involving a birth defect is not going to be controversial...), wouldn't you take the time to educate yourself about it first?  I mean, really?

I don't make what I consider controversial statements on here.  But even the statements I do make, come from information that I gathered, either through the course of our own personal experience with cleft, or by my own research as I search for answers to my questions.  I don't pull things out of my hat, or left field, or make things totally up and expect people to not question why I said what I did or did what I did.  I hope that makes sense. 

Perhaps the truth is that really I am just hurt.  My daughter is PERFECT.  She is exactly the way that she was meant to be.  It may not be the way I imagined she would be.  It may not be the "perfect" that most people would expect.  But she is perfect.  Now that we are (nearly) three years in to this journey, I just can't imagine her any other way.  She wouldn't be my Little Miss Sunshine.  It took me a very, very, very long time (nearly three years!) to reach this point.  I, out of all of our family probably, had a very hard time accepting and adjusting to the idea of her cleft.  I'm not really sure what that was.  I imagine it probably had a lot to do with not knowing about it until she was born.  I'm a planner.  I always have been.  And I had a plan for this little girl.  And when she came, that plan got thrown right out the window.  Because that plan would not work for her.  And I just had a very hard time dealing with that.  It really messed up my whole world.  For a long time, I felt like a bad mom for feeling that way.  I felt like something in ME must be really messed up to feel angry, and sad, and a whole host of other emotions.  I felt guilty.  I know now that those are normal feelings.  It is normal to feel a loss when your child is born with a defect of some kind.  Because you plan for one thing.  And you get another.  And it takes time to make up a new plan.  And you need time to let go of the old one.  It's NORMAL.  So maybe I'm hurt by the fact that these people don't even take that pain into consideration.  That they don't see my daughter as perfect, as a gift, the way I do.  Instead, they see her as a punishment.  Or a joke.  A caricature.  But the truth is:  She is none of those things.  She is just my daughter.  My perfectly beautiful, perfectly funny, perfectly cute, perfectly crazy, perfectly spoiled, perfectly loving, perfectly perfect little girl.  I just wish that those people would take the time to see her that way, the way I do.

Another year gone.

As I sit here on the couch, thinking about how I should really be cleaning up for our guests tonight, rather than playing on the computer, I can't help but think back on this last year.

Last year on New Year's Eve, Daddy Mac and I fell asleep on the couch at eleven! We were woken up right before midnight courtesy of our neighbors shooting off fireworks, so we did get to "ring in" the New Year together. Monster Boy had been in bed LONG before midnight, and was our only child.

This year, we have TWO kids! Family friends are coming over, and I am sure Monster Boy is going to give it his best effort to stay up until midnight. Hopefully Miss Sunshine will be fast asleep by the time midnight rolls around.

Looking back on this last year, it's amazing how much our lives have changed. First with the arrival of Miss Sunshine. Then with the surprise of her cleft, and all that has entailed. Then with Daddy Mac starting a new job and me getting laid off from mine and becoming a stay at home mom. So many changes. It's amazing how much a second child adds to your life. I knew having two children would be radically different from having just one, but I had no idea how MUCH of a difference it would make. And here we are, facing down another New Year, with many more unknowns. Miss Sunshine's surgery is of course the biggest thing we face. Monster Boy will be starting school, it looks like either Daddy Mac will be looking for a new job, or I will be going back to work, depending on the decisions we make... It all goes by so fast. I wish I could freeze frame all these special moments in time, to have the memories forever. Instead, I'll just have to make the most of the time we have and enjoy it all!

Happy New Year to you and yours! May this coming year bring as much happiness to you as I am sure it will bring to us!